Most of the trip went smoothly, although Cazz had a few of his freak out moments that I hadn't seen since the beginning of the pregnancy and our past rocky relationship. I was stunned and I realized that perhaps I was too secure in his complete change of behavior. It was really depressing and although he begs me to forget it and says he will make it up to me, I am frankly left reeling. Of course, one of his freak outs happened on the 13th and following into the 14th of February, as I should have suspected because we have a way of ruining "romantic holidays" such as anniversary dinners, Valentine's day, etc. I guess the pressure is too great. Then the second freak out happens in the airport of Sao Paulo right before boarding a flight to Milan that would last about 12 hours. Great timing.
So here I am at 28 weeks, the size of an island and the characteristics of one too, left out alone in the middle of an ocean, wondering what the crashing waves will bring. He's back to being good, but now the seed is there in the back of my mind and the words that can never be taken back echo softly in my head. Maybe we were never meant to be. Then again, maybe it was just the stress and the silence that came before this storm will return. In any case, I am reminded that Life does not always happen as expected and things can change at any moment. For now I will just pay attention, wait and hope that there is a way to move forward, in some direction.
5 comments:
Hi there,
Just wanted to say I really enjoy your blog and always look forward to the next post. Try not to worry too much and remember that your baby will be here soon - and it is normal if people freak out every now and then. I obviously don't know you or the people you write about - but all the same try not to worry!
Thanks Leanne, I really appreciate the post, and I will definitely do my best to relax!
I don't know exactly what you mean by 'freak out' but like Leanne in Italy said people will freak out and act crazy-selfish from time to time. That's normal. Try not to let it worry you.
I hope you were able to enjoy the vacation.
Always reading your words, love. Hoping to talk to you in real time soon. :) Bisous.
My beloved Lou, it's okay to be fearful and to worry. Just have faith that while, yes, Cazz will still be prone to occasionally let his old self loose (happens to the best of us, no matter how we try to change) that he has started to change for the better. Have faith that the love you have together will keep you strong, and will nurture little Peanut. No one ever said that it would be easy, or perfect, or beautiful all of the time. The most we can hope for as mere mortals is that the good is better than the bad, that the love we have is enough to carry us through, and that in the end, we are on a journey, guided by light and love. Trust your instincts. Proceed with caution, but love with all of you heart, and forgive Cazz, not because you want him to make it up to you, but because you know that to live with yourself (and him) you have to forgive him and have a little faith.
Sending lots of love to you and yours all the way from the Caribbean.
I love you mucho. :D
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